Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
5. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
6. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
7. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
8. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
9. Introduction to Parking
10. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
11. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
12. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
13. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
14. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Saturday, March 17, 2007
No, that's not it
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper, frown and say: "That's not it."
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier examined.
A military psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged and wrote out his discharge from the army and handed it to the soldier, who picked it up, smiled and said:
"That's it!"
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier examined.
A military psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged and wrote out his discharge from the army and handed it to the soldier, who picked it up, smiled and said:
"That's it!"
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Beating boredom at the office
If you find it very boring in the office, here are some tips:
1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.
2. Make blank calls to your Boss.
3. Send mails from outlook to your internet mail (and immediately get on to the internet mail and see who reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there, and note down the time they take to reach there. Then do vice versa....... ...... !!
4. Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone else's chair eic. just to irritate him/her.
5. Count your fingers (and toes if you still get bored).
6. Watch other people changing their facial ex-pressions while working and try changing your expressions also.
7. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.
8. Make faces at strangers in office.
9. Have a two hour lunch; it's a big social occasion.
10. Learn to whistle.
11. Revise last week's newspaper.
12. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.
13. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.
14. Compile "How to waste your day"
15. Pick up phone and dial non-existing nos.
16. Have work breaks in between tea.
17. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at time.
18. For Win NT/95 users....move things to the Recycle bin and restore them..then repeat this process.
19. Look at someone & try to imagine how (s)he might have looked when (s)he was 5 years old.
20. Read jokes.
21. And finally, if you are still bored make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a nap.
1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.
2. Make blank calls to your Boss.
3. Send mails from outlook to your internet mail (and immediately get on to the internet mail and see who reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there, and note down the time they take to reach there. Then do vice versa....... ...... !!
4. Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone else's chair eic. just to irritate him/her.
5. Count your fingers (and toes if you still get bored).
6. Watch other people changing their facial ex-pressions while working and try changing your expressions also.
7. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.
8. Make faces at strangers in office.
9. Have a two hour lunch; it's a big social occasion.
10. Learn to whistle.
11. Revise last week's newspaper.
12. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.
13. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.
14. Compile "How to waste your day"
15. Pick up phone and dial non-existing nos.
16. Have work breaks in between tea.
17. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at time.
18. For Win NT/95 users....move things to the Recycle bin and restore them..then repeat this process.
19. Look at someone & try to imagine how (s)he might have looked when (s)he was 5 years old.
20. Read jokes.
21. And finally, if you are still bored make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a nap.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
The God of Death
A man was peacefully sleeping in his home. Suddenly the God of Death appeared before him and said, "Go out and enjoy! Nothing will happen to you for the next 10 years."
He did so and met with an accident and died.
He did so and met with an accident and died.
In heaven, he asked off the God of Death,"Why did you lie to me?"
Came the reply: "Sorry, son. It's appraisal time. I had to achieve the target..."
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Who's dumb?
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell.
The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir" replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir" replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
Monday, March 5, 2007
That's my boy!
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his dad. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About two-thirds of his way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ?!" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his dad. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About two-thirds of his way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ?!" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Sunday, March 4, 2007
The translator
Now, here's a funny video that you need to be a little sportive about...please do not take any offence!!
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Two cows...
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, it doesn't worry me. I'm a horse!"
Friday, March 2, 2007
A dam(n) good joke!
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!!!!"
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!!!!"
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Never mess around with kids...
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
___________________________
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
___________________________
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies where a child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies where a child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
___________________________
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."
___________________________
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
___________________________
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Clever, clever qoutes
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Duran
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winston Churchill
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal
George Burns
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Duran
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winston Churchill
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Polish Divorce...
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say: "Polish Remover"!
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say: "Polish Remover"!
Sunday, February 25, 2007
The blonde's mistake
A blonde was once writing the passive voice of 'I made a mistake'.
She wrote: I was made by a mistake!
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
Caution: Do not try this at home
A man left for work one Friday morning but, being a pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied with a "That would be fine with me."
I don't know what happened next but Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and then Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye..!
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied with a "That would be fine with me."
I don't know what happened next but Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and then Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye..!
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
George W Bush and Jim Carrey!
Nice title? Good! Now read on...
George W Bush and Jim Carrey have a lot in common. You dont believe me? You want visual proof? Alright here it is!
So the next time you wish to know how a celebrity would have looked had his/her parents been a cross of Martians and Plutonians, just head to distortraits.com, put in a request andrun around vatican city with a king cobra around your neck lo! your wish is granted!
And if you dont have any wishes popping outa your head like bread from a toaster, don’t worry…you can still visit the above mentioned blog…simply because it is well worth your esteemed presence(and a lot more)!
George W Bush and Jim Carrey have a lot in common. You dont believe me? You want visual proof? Alright here it is!
So the next time you wish to know how a celebrity would have looked had his/her parents been a cross of Martians and Plutonians, just head to distortraits.com, put in a request and
And if you dont have any wishes popping outa your head like bread from a toaster, don’t worry…you can still visit the above mentioned blog…simply because it is well worth your esteemed presence(and a lot more)!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
Wrong e-mail address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Ha! Ha! This one cracked me up!
Wife : What do you like most in me: my pretty face or my perfect body?
Husband : (looking at her from head to toe) I like your sense of Humor!
Husband : (looking at her from head to toe) I like your sense of Humor!
Saturday, February 17, 2007
The model student!
A student once grabbed a coin, flipped it in the air and said:
"Heads I go to sleep, tails I watch a movie and if it stands on the edge....I'll study!
(If you are a student you'll know what I'm talking about)
Thursday, February 15, 2007
A blonde joke!
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I figured, though, that maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was nuts and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her: "And where do you think you're going?
( You're gonna love this)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was nuts and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her: "And where do you think you're going?
( You're gonna love this)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Here's wishing all a HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
And remember - Always judge a woman by her 'inner beauty'! Something like this...
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Monday, February 12, 2007
Tiger Woods!
On a business trip to Indonesia , a male executive took some time off to play golf. He was playing particularly well when he noticed a group of locals watching him. They were obviously excited and were shouting, “Tiger Woods!”
Taking this as a compliment to his golfing skills, he grinned and made an ostentatious bow in their direction.
It was at this point that the tiger came out of the woods and ate him.
Taking this as a compliment to his golfing skills, he grinned and made an ostentatious bow in their direction.
It was at this point that the tiger came out of the woods and ate him.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Friday, February 9, 2007
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Monday, February 5, 2007
Anti-boredom campaign, it is called....
....and Anti-boredom it is! Short but hilarious video. Watch it!
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Funniest matrimonial advertisements!
(Different kinds of matrimonial ads put in by different kinds of people)
LAWYER
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.
SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!
POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc etc and never getting to the point)
CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition!
FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading!
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.
SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!
POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc etc and never getting to the point)
CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition!
FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading!
MINICAB DRIVER
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from base, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map reading skills are a bonus.
ASTRONAUT
I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!
BUSINESSMAN
Partner wanted for company.
(The above may be funny, but it also shows us the evergreen truth of the fact that "What you want is but a measure of What you are"! Think. Whoa! What was that? That was the philosopher in me! :-)
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Ever wondered what Mona Lisa's brother looked like?
(After years of speculation and research on the famous Mona Lisa scientists and art critics have succeded in determining that Mona Lisa was pregnant. They didnt stop at that. They have simulated her voice and have also found out that she was a diabetic. Unbelievable! How more jobless can people be! Anyway someone has gone even further to determine what Mona Lisa's brother looked like. The result: La Monalibean!)
Friday, February 2, 2007
REVENGE on Telemarketers!
(Telemarketers are people who call up your telephones at the most inappropriate times to promote some product or offer. I dont know about you, but it happens to me all the time and it bugs the hell out of me!)
Do you hate getting phone calls from telemarketers as much as I do? Well, here are some ways to get your revenge!
1. If a telemarketer calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER of a voice as you can, "But I don't have any friends...Would you be my friend?"
2. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
4. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
5. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
6. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
Do you hate getting phone calls from telemarketers as much as I do? Well, here are some ways to get your revenge!
1. If a telemarketer calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER of a voice as you can, "But I don't have any friends...Would you be my friend?"
2. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
4. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
5. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
6. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
7. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder. ..louder. ..louder!
8. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.
9. If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems..."
10. Catch them off guard by saying in a husky voice, "What are you wearing?"
11. Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really male.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Pablo Francisco's awesome impressions!
Pablo Francisco is a stand-up comedian with unbelievable talent. You must watch this absolutely hilarious and very impressive video clip!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Marital woes!
• Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
• Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
• Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
• It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
• It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives!
• If u r married please ignore this msg, for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
• Why does a man marry a woman?
So that he doesnt feel out of place if he goes to hell after death!
• Different Phases of a man:
After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman
• There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it
• Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Bush, Quayle, a deer and a joke!
George W. Bush and Dan Quayle where returning from hunting. The two were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached, pulling his deer along too.
He stopped and looked at the deer being pulled by President Bush and ex-VP Quayle. He shook his head and said, "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to follow his advice.
A little while later, George W. said to Dan Quayle, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," Quayle replied, "but we're getting farther away from the truck..."
He stopped and looked at the deer being pulled by President Bush and ex-VP Quayle. He shook his head and said, "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to follow his advice.
A little while later, George W. said to Dan Quayle, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," Quayle replied, "but we're getting farther away from the truck..."
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Monday, January 22, 2007
What do you make of these pictures?
Ever heard of an underwater Roadway? Here you are!!
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Innovative photography or innovative photo-edition?
Innovative photography or innovative photo-edition?
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What the hell is this dude doing?!! Thinks he is a major DJ huh? Ended up burning his hands on the gas burner!
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Oh and by the way you can save your admiration for the underwater roadway. It is no engineering marvel. Just some shrewd photo edition! Gotcha there!
What the hell is this dude doing?!! Thinks he is a major DJ huh? Ended up burning his hands on the gas burner!
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Oh and by the way you can save your admiration for the underwater roadway. It is no engineering marvel. Just some shrewd photo edition! Gotcha there!
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Very few jokes can beat this one!
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck. "Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going ?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
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And among those few that can beat it has to be this one:
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.
"To stay pretty for daddy," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with
a tissue.
"What's the matter mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck. "Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going ?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
----------------------------------------------------
And among those few that can beat it has to be this one:
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.
"To stay pretty for daddy," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with
a tissue.
"What's the matter mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Shit! Look at this suicide video!
Come on. You can watch it. Its not gory or anything. Watch it and you will know what I mean!!
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Sunday, January 7, 2007
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