Clever, clever qoutes

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.  
George Burns

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.  
Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  
Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.  
Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.  
Jimmy Duran

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.  
Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.  
Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.  
Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.  
Winston Churchill

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.  
Billy Crystal

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

You're fun to hang around with!

Ha! Ha! This one cracked me up!

Wife          : What do you like most in me: my pretty face or my perfect body?
Husband  : (looking at her from head to toe) I like your sense of Humor!

The model student!

A student once grabbed a coin, flipped it in the air and said:
"Heads I go to sleep, tails I watch a movie and if it stands on the edge....I'll study!

(If you are a student you'll know what I'm talking about)

Question: Why don't dogs marry?

Answer: Coz they are already leading a dog's life!  

Marital woes!

• Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want,    then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

• Man: Is there any way for long life?
  Dr: Get married.
  Man: Will it help?
  Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

• Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
  Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

• It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
   It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

• It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns    them into Wives!

• If u r married please ignore this msg, for everyone else: Happy Independence Day

• Why does a man marry a woman?
   So that he doesnt feel out of place if he goes to hell after death!

• Different Phases of a man:
     After engagement: Superman
     After Marriage: Gentleman
     After 10 years: Watchman
     After 20 years: Doberman

• There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. There is only one perfect   wife in the world and every neighbour has it

• Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
  Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

What is the height of laziness?

Adopting a child!

These are funny!

• The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

• A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession.. .even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"
• "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire' "
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

• Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

• Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

• A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
French: Toilette pepper!