Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Clever, clever qoutes
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Duran
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winston Churchill
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal
George Burns
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Duran
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winston Churchill
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Polish Divorce...
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say: "Polish Remover"!
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say: "Polish Remover"!
Sunday, February 25, 2007
The blonde's mistake
A blonde was once writing the passive voice of 'I made a mistake'.
She wrote: I was made by a mistake!
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
Caution: Do not try this at home
A man left for work one Friday morning but, being a pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied with a "That would be fine with me."
I don't know what happened next but Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and then Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye..!
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied with a "That would be fine with me."
I don't know what happened next but Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and then Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye..!
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
George W Bush and Jim Carrey!
Nice title? Good! Now read on...
George W Bush and Jim Carrey have a lot in common. You dont believe me? You want visual proof? Alright here it is!
So the next time you wish to know how a celebrity would have looked had his/her parents been a cross of Martians and Plutonians, just head to distortraits.com, put in a request andrun around vatican city with a king cobra around your neck lo! your wish is granted!
And if you dont have any wishes popping outa your head like bread from a toaster, don’t worry…you can still visit the above mentioned blog…simply because it is well worth your esteemed presence(and a lot more)!
George W Bush and Jim Carrey have a lot in common. You dont believe me? You want visual proof? Alright here it is!
So the next time you wish to know how a celebrity would have looked had his/her parents been a cross of Martians and Plutonians, just head to distortraits.com, put in a request and
And if you dont have any wishes popping outa your head like bread from a toaster, don’t worry…you can still visit the above mentioned blog…simply because it is well worth your esteemed presence(and a lot more)!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
Wrong e-mail address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Ha! Ha! This one cracked me up!
Wife : What do you like most in me: my pretty face or my perfect body?
Husband : (looking at her from head to toe) I like your sense of Humor!
Husband : (looking at her from head to toe) I like your sense of Humor!
Saturday, February 17, 2007
The model student!
A student once grabbed a coin, flipped it in the air and said:
"Heads I go to sleep, tails I watch a movie and if it stands on the edge....I'll study!
(If you are a student you'll know what I'm talking about)
Thursday, February 15, 2007
A blonde joke!
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I figured, though, that maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was nuts and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her: "And where do you think you're going?
( You're gonna love this)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was nuts and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her: "And where do you think you're going?
( You're gonna love this)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Here's wishing all a HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
And remember - Always judge a woman by her 'inner beauty'! Something like this...
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Monday, February 12, 2007
Tiger Woods!
On a business trip to Indonesia , a male executive took some time off to play golf. He was playing particularly well when he noticed a group of locals watching him. They were obviously excited and were shouting, “Tiger Woods!”
Taking this as a compliment to his golfing skills, he grinned and made an ostentatious bow in their direction.
It was at this point that the tiger came out of the woods and ate him.
Taking this as a compliment to his golfing skills, he grinned and made an ostentatious bow in their direction.
It was at this point that the tiger came out of the woods and ate him.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Friday, February 9, 2007
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Monday, February 5, 2007
Anti-boredom campaign, it is called....
....and Anti-boredom it is! Short but hilarious video. Watch it!
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Funniest matrimonial advertisements!
(Different kinds of matrimonial ads put in by different kinds of people)
LAWYER
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.
SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!
POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc etc and never getting to the point)
CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition!
FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading!
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.
SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!
POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc etc and never getting to the point)
CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition!
FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading!
MINICAB DRIVER
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from base, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map reading skills are a bonus.
ASTRONAUT
I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!
BUSINESSMAN
Partner wanted for company.
(The above may be funny, but it also shows us the evergreen truth of the fact that "What you want is but a measure of What you are"! Think. Whoa! What was that? That was the philosopher in me! :-)
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Ever wondered what Mona Lisa's brother looked like?
(After years of speculation and research on the famous Mona Lisa scientists and art critics have succeded in determining that Mona Lisa was pregnant. They didnt stop at that. They have simulated her voice and have also found out that she was a diabetic. Unbelievable! How more jobless can people be! Anyway someone has gone even further to determine what Mona Lisa's brother looked like. The result: La Monalibean!)
Friday, February 2, 2007
REVENGE on Telemarketers!
(Telemarketers are people who call up your telephones at the most inappropriate times to promote some product or offer. I dont know about you, but it happens to me all the time and it bugs the hell out of me!)
Do you hate getting phone calls from telemarketers as much as I do? Well, here are some ways to get your revenge!
1. If a telemarketer calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER of a voice as you can, "But I don't have any friends...Would you be my friend?"
2. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
4. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
5. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
6. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
Do you hate getting phone calls from telemarketers as much as I do? Well, here are some ways to get your revenge!
1. If a telemarketer calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER of a voice as you can, "But I don't have any friends...Would you be my friend?"
2. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
4. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
5. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
6. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
7. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder. ..louder. ..louder!
8. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.
9. If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems..."
10. Catch them off guard by saying in a husky voice, "What are you wearing?"
11. Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really male.
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