That's my boy!

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his dad. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About two-thirds of his way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ?!" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The translator

Now, here's a funny video that you need to be a little sportive about...please do not take any offence!!

Humiliating motorists

Two cows...

Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"

The other one says "No, it doesn't worry me. I'm a horse!"

Santa Claus loves little kids...

...and the little kids?

(And now, Santa can't take it too!)

A dam(n) good joke!

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!!!!"

You forget, you pay...

What a funny ad!

Never mess around with kids...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

___________________________

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

___________________________

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies where a child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

___________________________

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."

___________________________

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

___________________________

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

You could get creative with toilet seats too!

(This one along with this one is an important toilet accessory for your sworn enemy)

Clever, clever qoutes

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.  
George Burns

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.  
Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  
Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.  
Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.  
Jimmy Duran

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.  
Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.  
Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.  
Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.  
Winston Churchill

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.  
Billy Crystal

Saddam Hussein never ceases to surprise!

Funny. Isn't it?

A good one on the 'HOLY WAR'

Polish Divorce...

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say: "Polish Remover"!

A superb ad for kodak cameras!

Click on the picture to enlarge it

The blonde's mistake

A blonde was once writing the passive voice of 'I made a mistake'.
She wrote: I was made by a mistake!